Why Do Some Gay Men Think They Can “Find Better” in a Relationship?

By William E. Smith | Gay Life After 40

I’ve seen it more times than I can count — the slow drift. A man is in what looks like a solid relationship, maybe even deeply in love, and then suddenly, he’s back on the apps. Or talking about someone new. Or gone entirely. And the reason? Some version of: “I just think I can find better.”

It’s a phrase that hits hard. Especially for those of us over 40, who’ve worked through the coming-out years, the heartbreaks, the therapy, the self-discovery — only to find ourselves back at square one, wondering if lasting love is even possible in our community.

This question — why some gay men feel the need to search for “better” even when they’re already in a relationship — has stuck with me. And over time, I’ve come to understand that it’s not just about selfishness. It’s about survival, socialization, and the scars we carry.

1. The Swipe Culture: Always Another Option

Dating apps are a double-edged sword. They connect us, but they also overwhelm us with choice. Suddenly, every man becomes a maybe. And the dopamine rush of a new connection can make what we already have feel… dull.

“I was happy with my boyfriend, but I couldn’t stop checking Grindr,” Kevin, 32, from L.A. told me. “There was always this little voice saying, ‘What if someone better is out there?’”

That voice? It’s addictive. And it thrives in a culture where we’re trained to chase novelty over depth.

2. Making Up for Lost Time

Many gay men don’t get to experience dating in their teens or early twenties. Coming out late or living in fear often means we don’t really start exploring relationships until much later — and when we do, it can feel like we’re playing catch-up.

“When I came out at 28, I felt like a teenager with a credit card,” said Jordan, 35. “I didn’t want to settle down right away. I needed to live.”

That need to “live” can create tension if one person is still exploring while the other is ready to build a life together.

3. The Perfection Trap

Let’s talk about body image, status, and the pressure to be perfect. In some gay circles, your value is tied to your looks, your Instagram presence, or your ability to keep up with the latest trend. That pressure can bleed into our relationships.

“It’s toxic,” said Marco, 29, from Miami. “If your boyfriend gains weight or doesn’t dress the part, people act like you’re settling.”

We internalize those messages, and before we know it, we’re second-guessing a perfectly good relationship because it doesn’t fit the fantasy.

4. When the Problem Is Internal

Not all restlessness is about wanting more. Sometimes, it’s about feeling like we’re not enough. If we carry insecurity or trauma, we might project that onto our relationships — thinking someone else will finally make us feel whole.

“I didn’t feel like I deserved love,” said Sean, 40. “So I kept chasing unavailable men. I thought I needed someone better. Really, I needed to heal.”

That resonated with me. Because truthfully, I’ve been there too.

5. We Weren’t Taught How to Stay

Most of us didn’t grow up seeing healthy, lasting gay relationships. Our stories were missing, or tragic. So now, even when we want something real, we might not know how to create it — or how to hold on when the shine wears off.

“We’re great at falling in love,” said Luis, 38. “But we don’t always know how to stay.”

Staying is a skill. One many of us are still learning, especially after 40 — when we crave stability but are still unlearning old survival habits.

What “Better” Really Means

Here’s what I’ve come to believe: when someone thinks they can “find better,” it often says more about where they are emotionally than about their partner’s worth. And sometimes, we chase something new because we’re afraid to go deeper with what we already have.

In a world that pushes us to swipe, scroll, upgrade, and move on, choosing to stay — to invest, to grow, to love — is radical.

So the next time that little voice says “you could do better,” pause and ask:
Better how?
For your ego, or for your soul?
For fantasy, or for real connection?

Because “better” isn’t always out there waiting. Sometimes, it’s right in front of us — quietly asking to be seen.

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