I’m Not Who I Used to Be — and That’s a Good Thing
by Max Roberts | Gay Life After 40
For a long time, I was obsessed with who I used to be.
The person I was in my twenties — carefree, bold, and searching for excitement in all the wrong places.
The person I was in my thirties — still holding on to certain fears, still trying to prove my worth, still underestimating my potential.
But somewhere after 40, I realized something:
I’m not that person anymore.
And you know what? That’s okay. That’s more than okay.
It’s necessary.
The Pressure of Who We Were
There’s this tendency — especially in our youth-obsessed culture — to cling to the idea that we need to stay the same, to hold on to the person we used to be. That somehow, the person we were before should define the person we are now.
For a long time, I held onto that ideal. I measured my self-worth by how much of that “former me” I could still keep alive. The problem was, that version of myself wasn’t serving me anymore. He was holding me back.
The truth is: growth requires change. It requires shedding who we were in order to become who we’re meant to be.
Embracing Change
In the past, I feared change. I feared losing the parts of me that once felt like a core part of my identity. The carefree spirit. The impulsive romantic. The party-loving social butterfly.
But now?
I see those old versions of myself as chapters, not permanent identities.
The truth is, that carefree spirit gave way to a more thoughtful, grounded version of me. That impulsive romantic turned into someone who values meaningful connections over fleeting infatuations. And while I still love socializing, I’ve found peace in solitude and quiet moments — things that once terrified me.
Becoming the Person I Needed to Be
What I’ve realized is that change isn’t a betrayal of who I was. It’s a tribute to the lessons I’ve learned and the resilience I’ve built.
I’m not running away from my past; I’m honoring it by evolving into something more authentic.
I’m no longer the person who desperately sought validation. I’m no longer the person who was afraid of rejection. I’m no longer the person who tried to fit into molds that didn’t suit me.
In my forties, I’m becoming a person who is at peace with myself. I’ve learned to listen to my own needs and desires, without seeking outside approval. I’ve learned that being true to myself doesn’t require fitting anyone else’s definition of success or happiness. I’ve learned that growth is messy, imperfect, and beautiful.
The Power of Letting Go
Letting go of the old versions of ourselves can feel like loss — and in some ways, it is. But it’s also liberation.
I had to let go of certain relationships that no longer served me, and the fear of being alone that came with them. I had to let go of the idea that I had to “be more” to fit in. I had to let go of the need to keep up with other people’s lives and find peace in my own.
And when I did, I started to realize: I’m more than enough.
I am not the same person I was 10, 20, or even 5 years ago — and that’s a good thing.
Because I’m not done growing yet.
What I’ve Gained
Here’s the thing about growth: it doesn’t happen without some discomfort. Letting go of old patterns, beliefs, and even relationships can be painful. But once you make room for the new, you open yourself up to deeper joy, freedom, and love.
As I reflect on where I am now, in my forties, I am grateful for who I was. But I’m even more excited about who I’m becoming.
I’ve gained clarity, inner strength, and self-compassion. I’ve learned how to trust myself. I’ve learned how to prioritize what truly matters: my peace, my health, and my happiness.
Final Thoughts: Embrace Who You Are Becoming
We don’t have to stay the same.
We don’t have to hold on to who we were just because it’s familiar.
And we certainly don’t have to apologize for changing, for growing, or for evolving.
If you’re reading this, I want to remind you that you are allowed to change. You are allowed to shed the old parts of yourself that no longer serve you, and embrace the person you are becoming.
It’s not too late to evolve. It’s never too late.
So, let go. Let go of the versions of yourself that are holding you back. Embrace the version of you that is unfolding right now — because that’s the one who’s truly alive.
Quotes From Other Gay Men on Growth, Change, and Self-Acceptance
Here’s what some other gay men have shared about their own journeys of growth and self-acceptance. Their words may resonate with you as you think about your own evolution:
- “I’m proud of who I’ve become. I never imagined this version of myself when I was younger — and that’s what makes it even better.” — André, 45, New York
- “In my twenties, I thought I had to be everything to everyone. Now, I’m just me — and that’s more than enough.” — Theo, 40, London
- “Aging as a gay man is a journey of rediscovery. The person I am today is better, wiser, and more free than the one I was in my thirties — and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.” — Julian, 52, Los Angeles
- “I used to be afraid of growing older. Now, I see it as a privilege. Every year that passes is an opportunity to grow into someone even more authentic.” — Marc, 48, San Francisco
- “There was a time when I thought my worth was tied to how others saw me. Now, I know it’s about how I see myself. That’s been the biggest shift of all.” — Victor, 42, Chicago
- “I’m not who I used to be, and that’s a beautiful thing. I’ve let go of the need to prove anything — and I’ve finally embraced who I am, imperfections and all.” — Derrick, 50, Toronto
- “For years, I tried to fit into other people’s boxes. Now, I’m learning to create my own box — one that’s big enough for all of me.” — Ryan, 44, Paris
- “I’m not afraid of change anymore. The more I embrace the person I am becoming, the more I realize I’m exactly who I was always meant to be.” — Oliver, 39, Sydney
Call to Action for Readers
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Are you holding onto a version of yourself that no longer fits? What parts of your past are you ready to let go of to make room for growth? Share your reflections in the comments.
