Beyond Tops and Bottoms: Why “Sides” Should Be Part of the Conversation

By Max Harper

In gay culture, labels like top, bottom, and versatile are ubiquitous shorthand for describing sexual roles. Yet they fail to reflect the full spectrum of intimacy that gay men experience. A growing segment of the community identifies as “sides,” cisgender men who do not desire penetrative sex but instead seek intimacy through other sensual forms—like kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, or rub-to-contact.

Despite their numbers, sides often remain invisible—overlooked, misunderstood, or dismissed. It’s time to broaden our sexual narratives and acknowledge this experience as valid.

Defining “Sides”

First coined in 2013 by psychotherapist Dr. Joe Kort, the term “side” provides language for those who enjoy a wide range of sexual activities—everything but penetration. As Kort put it: “Sides prefer to kiss, hug and engage in oral sex, rimming, mutual masturbation and rubbing up and down on each other… practically every sexual practice aside from anal penetration of any kind.”Wikipedia

Recognition followed. In May 2022, Grindr added “Side” as a position option—marking a meaningful nod toward inclusivity for many who felt overlooked.WikipediaThe Daily Beast

Stigma from Within the Community

Despite growing recognition, sides frequently confront judgment within the LGBTQ+ community. Many hear dismissive comments like:

• “You just haven’t done it right yet.”
• “That’s not real sex.”
• “You’ll change your mind once you meet the right guy.”

These remarks reinforce a heteronormative standard—privileging penetrative sex as the “gold standard” and undermining diverse experiences. Dr. Kort challenges this: “Defining penetration as the sole standard for sex is a heteronormative construct… I’m always trying to tell people that all sex acts are sex. It’s how you define it.”The Guardian

Expert Perspectives: Expanding the Definition of Sex

Sex Therapists & Psychologists Speak Out

• Rachel Wright, NYC psychotherapist, argues that non-penetrative sex can increase emotional intimacy, reduce risks like pregnancy and STIs, and foster a more desirable, fulfilling experience.SELF
• Krystal Woodbridge, psychosexual therapist, critiques how society equates “sex” with penetration: “‘Penetration involving a penis is often all people think about when you say the word ‘sex’… Anything like foreplay is just a precursor to that as the main event.’”
  She emphasizes alternatives—like massage, erotic talk, different textures, or even a playful “everything but” week—to ignite creativity and pleasure.Numan
• Walt Odets, clinical psychologist, highlights how shame from both society and internal biases can cloud a man’s relationship with his sexual identity. He notes that holding onto deeper emotional or cultural shame can skew how gay men perceive their desires.poz.com

Queer Communities & Outercourse

• Doriangel Fuchs, a somatic psychotherapist, encourages broader exploration of intimacy—what she refers to as “tribbing,” or genital rubbing without penetration—including against arms, legs, or other body parts. It’s inclusive of all bodies and thrives on communication and consent.Them
• A broader term related to this is “outercourse”, encompassing mutual masturbation, sensual massages, and grinding. It’s especially valuable for queer and trans individuals, and those with medical or emotional needs that make penetration undesirable or inaccessible.Them

Why This Matters

1. Inclusivity: Penetrative sex doesn’t serve everyone—be it due to trauma, dysphoria, disability, or simple preference. Sides challenge the narrative that sex can be reduced to one act.
2. Emotional Well-Being: Many gay men bring emotional baggage—anxiety, perfectionism, shame—into sexual encounters. Joyful, consensual non-penetrative intimacy can reduce pressure and open space for healing and honesty.Michael PezzulloGino Cosme – Gay Therapist and Counselor
3. Cultural Shift: A Guardian survey found only 35% of gay or bi men had engaged in penetrative sex in their last encounter. Yet the majority preferred non-penetrative acts. This underscores how dominant narratives don’t reflect lived realities.The Guardian
4. Breaking Myths: An article in The Guardian (July 2025) debunks the myth that sex requires penetration, emphasizing how desire, intimacy, and satisfaction exist beyond that frame.The Guardian

Moving Toward Acceptance

To support and normalize sides within gay culture, we need:

• Representation: Media, dating apps, and educational materials must reflect diverse sexual preferences—show that sides aren’t fringe, but part of the spectrum.
• Respect: Communicate that non-penetrative preferences are valid—not immature, broken, or incomplete.
• Visibility: Encourage voices of sides to be heard—through stories, forums, blogs, and community spaces—so others know they’re not alone.

A Broader Vision of Intimacy

Intimacy—and sex—is not one-size-fits-all. Whether an individual finds fulfillment in penetration, tenderness, or anything in between, what matters most is connection, consent, and joy. Recognizing sides isn’t about shifting identities—it’s about expanding understanding.

Our community thrives in diversity. It’s time our language, policies, and compassion do, too.