Is Being Gay Only About Sexual Desire?
By Max Roberts
When people hear the word “gay,” the first thing that often comes to mind is sex—specifically, a man’s desire to be with another man sexually. It’s a simplistic and narrow way of looking at what it means to be gay. While sexual attraction is certainly a part of it, being gay is much more complex, layered, and human than just physical urges. As author and activist Dan Savage puts it, “Gay people do not fall in love differently. We do not grow old differently. We are just as capable of love, commitment, and heartbreak.”
For many gay men, the realization that they are gay doesn’t just arrive through sexual attraction—it often begins with emotional connections. It might be the way a boy feels drawn to another male friend in a way that goes beyond typical friendship. It’s the longing for closeness, affection, understanding, and intimacy. These feelings often arise long before any sexual activity occurs. Clinical psychologist Dr. Loren A. Olson, author of Finally Out, shares, “Being gay is not just who we have sex with—it’s who we fall in love with.”
Romantic love plays a huge role in the gay experience. Falling in love with someone of the same sex can be a deeply affirming moment, especially after years of confusion or repression. That love isn’t just about lust—it’s about wanting to build a life with someone, to share joy and pain, to support each other through challenges, and to be seen for who you truly are. Emmy-winning actor and activist Billy Porter once said, “Our love is just as beautiful, just as complicated, just as necessary as anybody else’s.”
Culturally, defining gayness only by sex can also lead to harmful stereotypes. It fuels the idea that gay men are promiscuous, emotionally shallow, or incapable of long-term relationships. These stereotypes ignore the thousands of gay men in long, committed partnerships, raising families, or simply living quiet, fulfilling lives. Dr. George Weinberg, the psychologist who coined the term “homophobia,” noted, “The assumption that being gay is just about sex is like saying being straight is only about intercourse. It denies the full humanity of people.”
There’s also a sense of community and shared history among gay people that shapes our identity. From the Stonewall riots to the AIDS crisis, and on to modern struggles for marriage equality and beyond, being gay is also about resilience, pride, and belonging. These shared experiences create bonds that go far beyond sexual attraction. Jonathan Capehart, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, stated, “There is something deeply political and personal about being an openly gay person in a world that often wants you to be silent.”
For some, spirituality is also intertwined with their gay identity. Being gay and feeling deeply connected to something greater—whether that’s through faith, nature, or creativity—adds another dimension to who we are. It’s about living authentically and embracing every part of ourselves. Rev. Troy Perry, founder of the Metropolitan Community Church, once said, “God did not create us to live half lives. When we embrace who we are, we honor the sacred in us.”
In the end, yes—sexual attraction is a part of what makes someone gay. But it’s only one part. Being gay is about how we love, who we are drawn to emotionally, and how we build relationships and lives. It’s about identity, community, connection, and the courage to be ourselves. To reduce it to just sex is not only inaccurate—it’s a disservice to the richness and depth of the gay experience.
