Pros & Cons of Intergenerational Relationships | Gay Life After 40. com

Pros & Cons of Intergenerational Relationships


 Pros & Cons of Intergenerational Relationships by Jay Stewart

Gay couple embracing recognizes that gay relationships come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.  None of us chooses to be gay and but  we certainly can choose whom we date and fall in love with.  Because of this ..sometimes this results in intergenerational relationships that have both their benefits and concerns. wants to break down the pros and cons of intergenerational relationships where a prominent age gap exists between the two guys.


Pro:  Invigorate and Energize Your Life


There’s nothing more exciting than finding a strong connection with somebody.  By dating outside your age, you’re liable to find somebody with vastly different experiences and opinions than yours.  Whether you’re the younger or the older, intergenerational gay dating is the place to be.  The younger can introduce you to some of the newest clubs on the scene, while the older can take him out for a night of classic cuisine that never ages.


Con:  The Allure of Taboo


As gay men, we’ve already entered into a so-called taboo.  Be mindful of gay dating someone in another age category strictly for the allure of taboo.  If you’re younger and seeking a sugar daddy, your gay relationship is likely not going to work.  If you’re older and seeing a young servant, again, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t make it passed a few dates.


Pro:  Not Settling


Too often, we seek relationships of comfort.  We date those that we meet through friends that are usually close to our own age.  But this doesn’t result in a long term commitment for some of us.  Why not break free from the past and liven up your future?  Show everyone that you’re not willing to settle for another failed gay dating adventure.  Pick up that person at the bar that’s nothing like what you’ve gone for before.


Con:  Society’s Judgment


Society loves to wag their finger and place judgment.  This definitely applies to intergenerational relationships.  They see two men in a gay relationship that are clearly not the same age and begin to make and/or think various rude comments.  Potentially, they’re going to see the younger one as having Daddy issues or trying to act grown up.  As for the older, they’ll see him as being immature or a cradle robber.


Pro:  Connecting on Common Ground


There’s nothing more exciting than basing a relationship on common ground instead of age.  Ignore the judgment of friends and allow them to bask in your amazing relationship.  Once, they see you in your gay relationship, they’ll know exactly why you two are together.  They’ll see the many interesting common interests that you have.  These can involve anything from: traveling, dining, gaming, exercising, dancing, etc.  It’s your right to enjoy gay dating whomever you like.  If it turns into a relationship, then that is even better.


Con:  Performing Prescribed Roles

Occasionally, intergenerational gay relationships can fall into performing prescribed roles.  For example, the younger is the submissive one and the older is the dominant one.  The older may control the finances and begin dictate how the younger can spend their time.  Likewise, the older feels they must control the younger to ensure that they are fulfilling their role as the wise one.


Pro:  Extended Social Circles

One of the best parts of gay dating someone from a different generation is getting to extend your own social circles.  It’s likely that the two of you have vastly different acquaintances, friends, and work contacts.  By entering into this gay relationship, you’ve now potentially added a ton of new friendships.  Now there’s the opportunity to put together fun dinner events, weekend getaways, and house parties.  Each get together now features a mix of yours and his most interesting friends.


Con:  Future Reality

While an intergenerational gay relationship may work for you today, what about 10, 20, or even 30 years from now?  Gay dating a different age is fun and all, but a relationship may mean serious commitment.  If you’re younger, are you prepared for potentially caring for your partner in their old age?  If you’re older, are you willing to watch them make some of the mistakes that you made.  Once lust turns to love, there’s more at stake than excitement, there’s a future to consider.


Personally, those of us here at pass no judgment on the type of relationship that you have.  Gay dating is an opportunity to go out and connect with whomever that you want.  At some point, you may enter into an intergenerational gay relationship.  We want you and your partner to review this article, discuss the merits of each pro and con, and then decide what is best for your own relationship.

What do you think? Please leave comments below and sign up for our newsletter by joining our Gay Life After 40 Tribe!


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  1. Martin

    April 10, 2014 at 2:55 am

    In the end for me it’s more about companionship and being in love with my partner than it is about age. I’m in a great relationship with a wonderful man 12 years older than me.

  2. Beverly Taff

    April 30, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    I only have friendships not relationships.

    My friends are all younger than me necessarily because there are very few older intergendered individuals who indulge in wild clubbing and dancing. My trans friends trust me because I am voluntarily celibate and tee-total so when we go on wild clubbing trips they know that they have a sober driver who does not attempt to grope them or slobber over them.

    However when dancing wildly in the clubs they have a crazy, fun-loving, extrovert companion who readily shoots down any censorious or judgemental observers. Believe it or not when others try to condemn us for our seeming excesses on the club dance-floors, my age and long experience serves well to confound their arguments and bigoted moralising.

    The most wonderful reward I have ever enjoyed is the gratitude expressed by my friends’ mothers for reassuring them that when their children are out with me, they are safe. (Every one of them is over eighteen.)

    Are we wild? Yes, High profile? Yes. Disgraceful and outrageous? Yes but endangered? No!

  3. George

    May 27, 2014 at 4:29 am

    At 48 I met a much younger gay man-boy. He IM’d me on AOL. We chatted for quite a while, then on the phone for another long while. A few days later we made a date to go see the new movie, “ANTZ.” this was a number of years ago. After the movie my new friend asked if we could go back to my house before I took him home. That sounded okay to me and when we arrived I got him a beverage to drink, handed it to him and he kissed me. I was yet a virtual baby in gay life, but this young man taught me like he had a Ph.d in gay. We saw each other for a few years before he moved out of state. He is now married and just bought a house and we are Facebook friends. No more lovemaking but having him in my life at 48 gave me much comfort as a newly-self recognized gay man and I’m now in a wonderful relationship with a man some 9 years my elder. Being 40, 50, 60, 65—all a piece of cake!

  4. Richard

    August 26, 2014 at 11:45 pm

    I approached a man 27 years my senior when I was 24. We ended up living and working together for more than 15 years before his death. Relationship number two was to another man,16 years older, for 11 years. Currently my nearly 12 year relationship is with a man eight years younger. I never had interest for men under 50 my entire life, which made me not only weird to straight people for being gay, but even among the gay crowd for my attraction to the “old” guys. The downside to liking older men is the probability that you will outlive them and experience an enormous void without them. The upside is that you were able to find a wonderful partner to fulfill your dreams and theirs.

  5. Will

    August 26, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    I am so happy Richard that you found happiness in your relationships. Thank you for leaving your comments!

    • Richard

      August 27, 2014 at 12:31 am

      The best advice that I ever heard was to “follow your heart”. One needs to be true to themselves. Not their parents, family or peers. Living up to the expectations of others is crippling.

  6. Matt F

    October 21, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    I’m currently in a relationship with a young man 31 years my junior. He’s smart, beautiful, loving, and doesn’t take any crap from me. haha. I love him with all my heart. He’s actually younger than my own children. They treat him as an equal to them, and he knows that he can never be a parental figure to them due to his age. We all live together in one large house, and other than the infrequent private moments we have (as is the case living with your kids) it’s the most amazing family atmosphere.

    I worry about him as I get older. How will I be able to fulfill my side of the relationship? How can I extend my health and fitness level to try and keep up with him as I age. We’ve been together for 4 years, and I am looking forward to another 40. I’m glad we’re not alone.

  7. Kip

    January 3, 2015 at 1:50 am

    Thank you Matt and Richard for sharing, wishing you all the best. Being the young one in an intergenerational relationship that has lasted 8 years (23 years age gap) the biggest con for me is being afraid of society. My friends are supportive and I’ve never suffered any negative reactions from anybody, but when out together just the two of us I get a bit anxious of people judging or worse, especially when around people my age. I always have to work up the nerve to tell new friends my partner’s age, and I always take 5 years off so as not to be judged too harshly. I avoid the conversation altogether when it’s with straight guys. It’s already hard being gay, add to that being in an intergenerational relationship. It’s been the best thing that has happened to me so I try to be strong. At the end of the day you don’t go home with society and they are not the ones who make you happy, it’s the person you are with.

  8. Mike P

    January 3, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    I recently got involved with a man who is 55. I am 24. That is a 31 year difference. My entire life I’ve only been attracted to older men. We make each other so happy yet we fear what society and family will think. It is reassuring to know there are more out there like us. I have a right to be with whom I am happy with right?

    • williamsmith

      January 4, 2015 at 4:33 am

      Yes, as long as both of you are happy.

    • David

      November 11, 2016 at 7:56 pm

      I love with all my heart my partner of only three months who is 30 years younger than me. He is 26 and I am 56. I hope there will be many many more. Please tell me what we should not do wrong?

  9. Phil

    January 4, 2015 at 11:23 am

    Will soon celebrate my or our 8th anniversary with a partner 22 years younger than me. We have an amazing trusting fulfilling relationship. We’re accepted and have many friends, ranging from my age to his, both gay and straight. Sure we heard all the negative and tasteless remarks, but chose to ignore them. We were paid the highest compliment by a straight friend recently, who said “We were a great example of how two people who love each other should treat one another”. I’ll close with that.

  10. J Walker

    May 3, 2015 at 6:08 am

    I was coming out of a 40 plus year marriage to my wife when I met a 30 year old guy on Grindr. There is a 31 year age difference between us. We have been dating for about one year. As the older person in the relationship it brings me excitement, passion and the ability to mentor and guide someone that I have come to love. At first I was very bothered by the age difference. However, my partner repeatedly has told me (and I know totally agree) that age is a state of mind. I keep myself in great shape and am able to keep up with my young friend in every way..including the bedroom. We complement each other in so many ways. He is learning about finance and politics and I am learning about his generation, his music and am able to view our joint lives through his eyes. Are there obstacles? Do I worry about what happens when I am 75 and he is 44? Sometimes. However, then I return to TODAY and experience an amazing amount of love, excitement, passion and a mutual love and respect we have for each other and I say to myself “now is a good time to live in the moment”.

  11. Keith

    August 2, 2015 at 1:09 am

    I just turned 51 this week, and I’m in a relationship with a 19yo guy. He’s only my 2nd real relationship in my life. The first being my wife of 21 years of marriage. We are currently going through a divorce.

    He is everything I am not, sexy, outgoing, vibrant. I see in him a soul I want to fully embrace. He’s also a very broken person who needs stability and safety in his life.

    I’m currently in the dog house for a dumb move on my part. I suffer from depression and anxiety, the day before my birthday I was “hide the guns” depressed, didn’t want to have contact with anyone. Before I turned my phone off I texted a friend of ours he was with. Friend in this case being the guy we both want a threesome with, and maybe invite into our relationship. Both of us believe in polyamorous relationships.

    It is a confusing state of affairs, and most people tell me to dump him. He also gets resistance from his friends and family. I personally like the gawking, stares, and stuff we get in public.

    I hope things work out, he has more experience in relationships and sex then I do.

  12. Ian

    September 12, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    The ltr I had was with a guy 30years older than me, we were in love but sadly on the 3rd year he died suddenly. I would love too have a long term relationship a guy 30 years younger than me, but all I have experienced is gold diggers. I wouldn’t care what other people thought as we would be happy.

  13. Tom Johnson

    January 11, 2016 at 9:45 pm

    I have to admit that I couldn’t read this article. The second sentence is so far off wack that I just couldn’t justify taking the time to read it. Really?! “None of us chooses to be gay and we certainly can’t choose whom we date and fall in love with.” – See more at:

    “We certainly can’t choose whom we date…” WTF Yes we can! I know I can choose who I date. I chose to date a man 13 years younger than me. I love him and he loves me…but we didn’t date each other because anyone or anything made us.

    I’m sorry but I don’t see homosexuality as a victim and that’s what it makes me think when we publish that we didn’t choose who we dated.

    …with all due respect and for what it’s worth. -TJ

    • williamsmith

      January 12, 2016 at 4:42 pm

      We changed it…we agree with your opinion!

  14. Jingles

    February 2, 2016 at 1:10 am

    I’m 30 and I’ve been seeing a guy 8 years younger. We haven’t labeled our relationship as exclusive or serious but it’s pretty much that way. As someone who’s more experienced, i think this is actually a good thing. Labels should not matter if you are secure and confident in what you have with someone. I know what it’s like to be 22 and gay. It’s probably a lot different now with social media, dating apps, etc but I always just tell myself that he’s young and he’s bound to commit mistakes. Same mistakes I’ve probably committed when I was his age. And you just have to be really understanding and patient. I guess if you love someone then that should already be a given. Just remember that younger people don’t necessarily want to get the feeling that they’re being tied down and trapped. If they start feeling that way, then they will slowly drift away from you. I’ve learned to just let him be, and give him space and room to grow on his own. And there’s definitely no room for insecurity and possessiveness when dating a younger guy. As someone who has dated some significantly older men in the past, I’ve learned from these relationships and definitely picked up the traits that these older men have that put me off. At the end of the day, it’s mutual respect, love, trust, and a lot of patience and understanding that would make this type of relationship work.

  15. John Stephen

    May 8, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    Hello Will
    Glad I found your web site. It was refreshing to realise that I am not alone in my view that we should be able to choose.
    Mine is a somewhat odd story in that I married young and only learned later that I was bisexual when I fell for a lovely young man. Regretfully he did not reciprocate my love although we remained good friends for over a year. Thgis non-relationship caused me to have a nervous breakdown.My wife was none too pleased either. Several gay flings followed.
    Six years ago my wife passed away after we had brought 4 daughters into the world I now also have 6 grandchildren – one of whom is lesbian.
    I have been searching for a young gay man for a long time. In Septemeber I will be 76 so am beginning to realise it might never happen. I now live a lonely life and put all my efforts into an expanding postal business which I started 42 years ago. Oh how I long for a young man – just someone to cuddle and for companionship. I guess I have served my purpose in life but still have many regrets.
    Sincere good wishes

  16. James

    May 24, 2016 at 11:59 pm

    I have been in two long term relationships with a 20 and 25 year younger then me guys. Some people say “but what if you die or get in an accident”
    what will happen to him….that can be reversed. It can happen to the younger guy. To me it really is not an issue. If it’s true love that is all that matters.

  17. Mark

    June 27, 2016 at 6:38 pm

    Successful inter-generational relationships are more common than many people realize.
    About eight or nine years ago a friend of mine introduced me to the Silverdaddies site. I was on it for two or three years and for the most part I met very nice younger men (only one gold digger in the lot, but he was the sexiest LOL). Then when I was 68 I met a man 40 who had been in a nine year relatioip but his older partner had died two years’ previously. He was German and lives in Munich. I immediately booked a ticket to meet him and we have been together ever since. I must admit, I moved to Germany to be with him, but since I have no family left and am economically independent, I was able to make the transition. I have even learned to speak German, one of the many pluses of being open to something new. But the real point of this posting is, since getting together with Thomas I have become aware of just how many intergenerational couples there are out there. Maybe there are more in Europe and the UK than in the states, but we are constantly running into them in restaurants, or when we travel, or at the theater. I can recommend the Silverdaddies site as a good tool; as I say, most of the young men I met were worthwhile but none of them quite did it for me (or I for them)until I met the right one. So I just want to add these comments to encourage other older men not to assume nobody wants them. That just isn’t true.

  18. Neil

    August 9, 2016 at 6:08 pm

    I was in a 40 year relationship with my partner who passed away a year ago, I am slowly adjusting, but doubt I will ever not miss him.the past few months have been taking up with settling our estate, so I really never thought of looking for another relationship. I am 76 years old 4 month ago a friend of mine suggested I would meet a student of his, who is 31 years old, but only likes older men, well I said not really interested, but sort of relented as I thought meeting someone is not going to hurt me I suggested he give me they guys e-mail address so we could introduce ourselves, which we did, I clearly stated to him, my current status, that I was not interested in any serious relationship, as well I told him what I enjoy sexually and I am very upfront about that, well his reply was this is not what he was looking for, but could we meet, I could see no reason why not, we decided to meet at a Noon concert, when I first saw him I nearly died the sexual energy attraction whatever you call it was so strong I kissed him, he kissed met while our tongues touched, now this was in the middle of the day standing in a line up to get into the concert, I was shaken up, that I could barely look at him, we chit chatted enjoyed the concert, he went home as did I totally overwrought with love, lust call it what you like, we sent an e-mail afterwards expressing our very strong feelings for each other I was so surprised as I have always liked older men, certainly not younger. we decided to meet a few days later and since I had been open about what I liked sexually I was determined to “bed him” then let him go, savouring the experience, well we met at our apartment chitchatted a little bit, we touched knees and within seconds we were all over the couch, fell on the floor, finally got up went to bed, and made the most amazing passionate love.
    This is several month ago, we meet several times a week, see a show, but always end up making love, both of us cannot understand the feelings, call it sex, lust we have for each other, we can relate to each other on other levels as well as sex. I felt rather guilty about this and talked to several friends, who suggested that we would simply enjoy each other one day at a time. He has told all his friends about me, last week I told my partners son, they are all so happy for me…;blissfully happy and wish every older gay person the same enjoyment

  19. Jonathan

    September 1, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    I’ve be in a relationship with a man 24 years my senior for almost 5 years now. I’m 33 and we’ve been living together for over 4 years. I was a virgin when we met and never had a boyfriend before. We met online but there was an instant connection when we started talking on the phone. We’re very happy together and his friends and family have been very good to me. I relocated out of state to be with him. He was not able to move due to his job. I’m a nurse so it was easier for me to move and find a new job. His dad lived with us for a year before he passed away and we got along very well. I am so thankful we found each other!

    • Rick.

      October 13, 2016 at 3:39 am

      I’M a 53 years old gay. I’M married with a 27 years old handsome guy. I call him kid. We gave beemer married for 2 years. So far so good. My worry is not that I’m hiv+ un detectable and that some day he cheats on me some day. I also think that I shouldn’t worry about that and so I enjoy the relationship day by day.

  20. Markeith Mccuin

    September 28, 2016 at 1:25 am

    Am looking for a relationship or anything with a man someone I can call my own have a good life

  21. Lee Huff

    October 19, 2016 at 8:14 pm

    I’m a 57 year old gay male that came out of a 28 year relationship with a man my age. A month ago, a young man the age of 19, chatted me up on Grindr. We started chatting and sent some pics of each other. he told me he was taken a chance on texting me, because my profile said I was interested in men 21 to 50.
    We have been dating for a month now and have a lot in common to my surprise. We both want the same things in life and are very much in love. We have a very good time in and out of bed. I take it one day at a time. I just don’t want him to miss out on growing up, so I make sure I give him space.

  22. Jeff J.

    October 24, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    I’m a 42 y/o guy who has had a couple 2-5 year long relationships with guys who were 10-14 years younger than I was but never considered it ‘intergenerational’. This year after meeting and becoming extremely close to a 21 & 45 y/o couple I have explored and accepted the fact that I am a very attractive daddy-type. I never noticed or thought about it before. After dating a few younger guys looking for a “daddy” guy and playing around and engaging in some role-play (plenty with my couple friends) they have showed me the benefits and downside of dating much younger guys. There isn’t anything different than any other type of relationship if you are in it for the long haul, issues and problems tend to be the same. I have just met and started dating a very handsome and mature college guy of 22 and couldn’t be happier. My attraction is normally to young guys and his is to older so we are compatible there but more than that we are very happy together and very happy doing things together. I’ve always maintained that for every boy with daddy issues there is a mature guy with son issues. I get immense pleasure from sharing something new with an enthusiastic young guy and have a natural protective instinct. I love sharing my experiences with him and he is happy to explore. What will be our foundation and allow us to continue on for decades is not the fact that I’m basically twice his age or the daddy-son dynamic bit the fact that we genuinely love and care for each other.

  23. Rob and Delmar

    December 17, 2016 at 1:35 am

    I’m 48 years old and my husband just past away last Oct. He was 91. We were together 17 years and married 3 years after DOMA was struck down. Even though we had a 43 year age difference our life together was great and full of love. We learned from each other and took care of each other. The last two years I became his full time caregiver. He had to be on oxygen and was getting some dementia. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through but I would do it for him again in a heart beat. He was the love of my life and I miss him more than words can say…

  24. Jaanu

    April 13, 2017 at 2:16 am

    I am dating a guy who’s 25 years older than me. I’m 25 and he’s 50. We love each other very much and I love and respect him from the bottom of my heart. I’m very conventional I want to marry and have kids and grow old with him but it just always worries me so much that I might have to live a good part of my life I without him because of the age difference. I know I could be the one who dies first but I’m purely talking from a statistical point of view. It would just break my heart to see him go and I just find myself thinking how devastated I would be and keep wondering if I can take that kind of pain. It’s nice to see there are many other couples like that out there and people live happy and healthy lives together.
    Something I have always wondered about also is that in these intergenerational couples are you guys open or monogamous or how do you handle that aspect of the relationship.

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