Look up to 5 The Trials and Tribulations of Gay Dating Over 40 | Gay Life After 40. com

The Trials and Tribulations of Gay Dating Over 40


By Guest Writer Marcello Rollando

I am in my fifties and I have been dating for the last 5 years. I recently found my life partner . I learned a lot from my journey. I wrote this article as a way of giving back to the community that I love. I was living a straight life for nearly 40 years.


Adult Hispanic Man Outdoor Portrait



There definitely is a learning curve to dating after 40.  My gay friends say that Gay dating is not like It used to be especially now that we are all older.

Sooner or later­ if you truly desire a relationship ­ you must jump in the dating pool and make it a big splash.

The dating pool has never been more interesting and challenging. There are more players than ever before. Why? Because of many guys recently like myself have come out in their 40’s and 50’s  and also due to longer life spans.   This contributes to more single Gay Men in their 50’s and above than at any other time .

Based on my experiences, I have found some truths about gay dating Over 40:

  • Gay Men,  my age,  look older than I do—because I am in complete denial about how old I look. ( studies have  shown that we see ourselves 10-20 years younger than our real age)
  • Gay Men , my age, are too old for booty calls. Personally when I was single, I was usually in bed by midnight and refused to meet a guy in that way.
  • Gay men after 40 love going out to nice restaurants and snuggling at home near the fireplace.
  • Gay men after 40  try to seem confident, even when they are not. Many have self-esteem issues based on being in a closed society most of their adult lives.
  • Gay men in their  50s are looking for companionship and partners not into steady hookups. Many haven’t yet given up on the idea of finding a mid-life Prince Charming. They are happy and content, but sharing life and experiences with someone would add that missing piece.
  • Gay men after 40 say they want to be with someone their own age, but some may leave you for a younger man if given the opportunity. It happens and it isn’t anything that you can do to stop it. It is not fair but realize that it is not your fault. Unfortunately, many straight men and gay men are alike regarding this issue and never get the big picture.

Tips about Gay Dating Over 40:


  •  Put your best foot forward if you go online.

Overweight and Unashamed



I hate to say it but there’s serious competition out there based on the numbers .  If you are going to date online,  spend time writing a great profile that captures  you in the best light.  It should be unique and fun! Get a friend’s opinion on the final draft.  And if you don’t have a great photo, ask that same friend to snap a nice candid shot for you to post. Don’t have a photo with your ex erased or with a bunch of friends. Wear some decent clothes and clean up the background- No dirty dishes, clothes on the floor. toilet seat up , etc in the background. Comb your hair and trim those nose hairs! Keep your clothes on !

Here is, in my opinion,  a good example of a great pic. It is fun and classy:

Mature man holding a sunflower by his face


  • Have a simple and flattering first date outfit already in the closet .


Stylish clothes on hangers in shop



  •   Don’t settle but don’t be too damn picky!

If  you are  looking for Prince Charming , he will not come to your door with the glass slipper  if you are not out there finding him .  As I’ve gotten older, my ideal date was a person that was  kind, smart, emotionally intelligent.  thoughtful and not addicted to any substance other than me or coffee.

You must make a list of the qualities you’d like to find in the people you want to date . What are the non-negotiables for you in a relationship?  If someone doesn’t measure up, don’t settle for less than what you want but look at guys of all shapes, sizes and colors. There are many good guys out there but too many people are too picky and there are great guys right in front of them that they have not ever considered.



  • Lighten up: Look as Dating as a Journey instead of Dating


the Man on the High Mountain



  •  Get Real-Not everyone will Like you. Don’t take it personal. It is their loss!


casual middle aged man thumb down on the phone



I’ve also accepted that sometimes I would meet someone who just not that into me.

Clues that he isn’t that into you:

  • He tells you he’s just not that into you.
  • He tells you he isn’t ready to settle down into a relationship.
  • Doesn’t give you a hug or a kiss goodbye.
  • He doesn’t call.
  • He tells you maybe in the future…

So please do yourself a favor, Don’t keep on Calling Him!


  • Protect yourself from scams when  possible & protect your privacy.







First, don’t share personal information, like your contact info ( Home address, personal email address, your work location)  until you’ve really gotten a comfort level with someone. .  If you decide to talk with someone on the phone, call them and *67 before you dial their number so your phone number isn’t revealed. There are a lot of crazies out there. I could write a book!  lol.

See  Online Dating Scams: http://www.gaylifeafter40.com/online-dating-scams/


  • When you’re ready to meet someone for the first time , meet them in a very public place–a  coffee-house is an ideal place.  It is my #1 choice!  Tell a friend where you are going and what time the mini date will be .


  • Relax and have Fun!! Grow as an individual because its not just about dating , it is about Aging Forward!



I hope this article helped at least one person. I like this site and I feel great that I was able to participate in this way. It took me 5 years to find my life partner. Enjoy your journey if you are looking .   I wish all of you happiness and Keep on Aging Forward.


Other articles to read! :

 The Dating Game:    http://www.gaylifeafter40.com/the-dating-game/

Tips for Gay Dating:  http://www.gaylifeafter40.com/gay-dating-over-40/


We do hold group and private life coaching at GLA40 for a small fee to help you over overcome obstacles that may  interfere with your ability to have a fulfilled  life.

To get serious results, one may need to make an investment in themselves for an  ultimate transformation.

Many of us at our age  are driven by a deep knowing that we were born for a certain reason. Maybe, you feel that your life is not totally fulfilled yet , and you have  decided that you don’t want to waste your time anymore. If not now, when will you actually lead a more fulfilling life or get help with a problem that you may have carried with you for over 20 years? But  your heart and soul must be invested in the process in order to be effective. If you’re not ready to take bold action, please wait until you are before hiring us..

If you’re ready to age forward and begin your own transformation and your heart and soul are saying, “ Lets Do this!” ,  I hope you’ll take the leap with us and contact us at will@gaylifeafter40.com



If you find any joy and stimulation at Gay Life After 40.com, please consider Donating:

You May Also Be Interested In:


  1. Tom

    February 22, 2015 at 6:48 pm

    Very good article. I think it’s harder now to date. I have been in 2 relationships for 20 years. It’s funny though how it seems that there are so many people out in their 40’s who are only interested in someone in their 20’s or have a perfect body. It seems that they are limiting themselves.

    Scams are something that I am glad you talked about. I personally have met 6 fake soldiers. The first couple of times I felt upset. Now it just makes me angry that a person would do that to someone.

    Anyway I have learned so much about myself and my community through dating. I also think it does get better.

    Thanks for the article.

    • williamsmith

      February 24, 2015 at 1:00 pm

      Thank you Tom. We really appreciate your fine words. I will update our scam article..your right that the fake soldier is coming up. Ask them to Skype or use facetime and you will never hear from them again .

  2. Tom Cleary

    April 17, 2016 at 1:47 am

    Thanks for the *67 note. I’ll keep that in mind.

  3. Ted

    November 20, 2016 at 11:10 am

    It took you 5 years to find a partner? Haha haha it takes me 5 years to find a single date…

    Oh well, I guess that’s life.

  4. Howard Paul Shore

    September 23, 2017 at 8:56 pm


    I glanced through your article and thought it quite interesting I don’t know if you’re based in Los Angeles or where can you please tell me cuz I want to speak to on the phone with me with you thank you

  5. AJ

    January 1, 2018 at 5:28 am

    The sad news is, the gay community, generally, is ageist. After 40 you’re too old to be useful, loving, or socially contributory. One metric of this is the fact that there are very few how-tos about gay life after 40. This article is pretty much unique. Another is the fact that if you look at the various how-tos or gay-related dating sites and apps, they’re all geared toward the younger crowd. So are magazine, travel guides, and lots of other gay-related media — including porn. Who are their demographics? Guess. It’s as if Gay life stops at 40. It’s an enormous disservice and insult and at some point there needs to be a paradigm shift to correct this horrible imbalance. But that, I suspect, will only come from within the community. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Until then, we’ll all be sitting at the end of the bar awaiting the revolution.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *