Connection/ Love ( 4 of 6 Human Needs)

I am sure you heard that there is a reason behind everything we do, whether it’s conscious or unconscious. We will be exploring the Six human needs and how it affects our relationships with each other as well as in life. Everyone has these 6 human needs. How one prioritizes the needs determines how they act.

If you’ve ever wondered what drives your daily life or wanted to change your path, I believe that this will be a great series to follow.

 Are you meeting those needs in a way which is empowering or in a way which is destructive?

For 6 weeks, we will explore the 6 Human Needs inspired by Tony Robbins

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The fourth human need is Connection/ Love

The need to feel togetherness, passion, unity, warmth, desire and love in our lives

Everyone wants  to be accepted, included and loved. We are compelled to feel connected to humanity and life as a whole.

In fact, studies have shown that infants need love and touch, or will die without it.  Moreover, it was discovered that children who grew up in orphanages, who were only fed and cleaned, and who did not receive love and affection showed severe developmental and cognitive delays and even permanent damage to the brain.

So, love or connection is not only needed for our well-being but has a huge impact on our abilities to think, connect, maintain our health, succeed and live long. Studies have shown that people live longer if they are in a relationships with others  vs. being alone. For whatever reason, our well-being depends highly on others from the second we are born.

Remember when you were a teenager, you wanted to fulfill the significant need but more importantly you wanted to fulfill  the need for love and connection with your peers. You wanted to be accepted, loved, and appreciated. Wanting to belong, feeling  connected, being  part of something is on every teenager’s mind. But at the same time,  one may  lose the sense of who you are because that need of belonging is so great. Unfortunately, many of us in our forties and fifties could not be our true selves as teenagers. In order to blend in , we had to sacrifice our ” being “sometimes at the expense of  variety, or other needs. If you were openly gay  as a teenager, you may have been picked on or felt defeated which may have damaged your desire for connection and love in the future.

Many people who find romantic  love will put love above all other in priority. For example, have you ever seen a friend who was so social with you but once he gets involved with a potential suitor, he drops you and puts off playing sports with his buddies, and everything just to be with this potential suitor. A woman may reach out to her friends for advice about her new relationships but guys will just stop their socialization except with their new relationship.

But there is more to life than just romantic love. Many cultures don’t put a value on romantic love but replace it by the love of relatives, friends and tribe.   Some people rarely experience love but have feelings of  connections with others in the community or even at work.

 Sometimes the need for love or connection  is so great that we have a small panic attack that overrides everything else.  I remember , which was crazy ,  I lost 2 close gay friends over a silly argument. I was in my early thirties ( I came out late) . These two friends meant so much to me because it was the first time, in my life, that I could say something about my gayness without being ridiculed. I felt good being myself. I cried for a few days. I got myself together and we re-bonded. At that time, that connection meant so much to me because I had no strong connection like that as a teenager that it caused great anxiety.

Positive Ways to Gain Connection/ Love

Some will meet their need for connection by being very social and will participate with others at gay bars, clubs, etc.

Some people choose to stay ay home and connect only with their boyfriend/ girlfriend or spouse.

As gay men and women, we have a unique perspective. The need for connection/ love can be served by being helpful, courteous and kind. Respecting  others and accepting  how others choose to show themselves to you. Being receptive to young, older, transgendered people opens one to new connections and insights.   We  fulfill our need for love and connection by just being with supportive and non-judgmental with others.

Facebook: One feels compelled at times to go onto Facebook  so they can reconnect with old friends and to have new connections with others that have similar  tastes and/ or values.

Meet Up Groups can also be a great way to bond with others that have similar interests or goals.

Negative Ways to Gain Connection/ Love:

When we have too much connection with others, we lose a sense of who we are. There is so much “us” that the “I” gets a bit lost.

You may stay in a job that you do not like because you need and will miss the connections of your fellow employees. You will not want to disappoint your boss and your fellow employees because you don’t want to lose their love or connection with you.

You will jeopardize your  growth for certainty and connection.

You may always be ” pleasing”  just to belong ( gain certainty)  that you may lose your dignity or compromise  your value system.

One can be so needy to others that the relationship or connection drains the other and the relationship may end.

One can almost be too dominating that it overwhelms anyone that chooses to connect with you . One does only want to hear about your problems. It is a 2 way street.. A connection is about 2 or more people and not about one .

Gaining too much attention by being habitual depressed or angry just to receive attention (Significance) will destroy any life long relationships with others. It may work for a short time but will not work for long-term relationships.

There are many paradoxes in connection/ love with the 6 beliefs. The need for significance may outweigh the need for connection or love. That is why there are many successful people who are lonely and have trouble being in close relationships.

Next time, we will explore the 5th human need which is Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding.

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Did You Know?

We do hold group and private life coaching at GLA40 for a small fee to help you over overcome obstacles that may  interfere with your ability to have a fulfilled  life.

To get serious results, one may need to make an investment in themselves for an  ultimate transformation.

Many of us at our age  are driven by a deep knowing that we were born for a certain reason. Maybe, you feel that your life is not totally fulfilled yet , and you have  decided that you don’t want to waste your time anymore. If not now, when will you actually lead a more fulfilling life or get help with a problem that you may have carried with you for over 20 years? But  your heart and soul must be invested in the process in order to be effective. If you’re not ready to take bold action, please wait until you are before hiring us..

If you’re ready to age forward and begin your own transformation and your heart and soul are saying, “ Lets Do this!” ,  I hope you’ll take the leap with us and contact us at will@gaylifeafter40.com