13 Major Relationship Mistakes After 40

13 Major Relationship Mistakes After 40  by William Smith

Relationships can be a beautiful thing and once the relationship is over, it is very difficult to go back. It is a work in progress and to avoid it from fizzing or ending, you must avoid certain relationship mistakes to keep it vibrant and alive and avoiding the Good Bye.

These are the 13 Major Relationship Mistakes :

1. Having sex or having sex too soon. Being gay, of course, is about sex..it defines us as a group. Sex may or not come as easily to you but if you meet someone and are looking for a serious relationship and that is all there is…it will fizzle fast. There has to be other shared experiences and conversations.  Take it slow with the sex and develop a relationship first.  It is not your first rodeo! Take it easy and avoid men that just talk about sex from the start.

2. Getting in a relationship to prevent loneliness. Face the fear of being lonely. Too many people are not able to stand still long enough in their own space to understand their wants, needs and fears. Is that person a real good fit for you? Is it fair for that person to be with you just because you’re lonely? If we address the loneliness issue, maybe the relationship will last longer. The average duration of a committed relationship among gay steady partners was 1.5 years. We can do a lot better than that by getting to know more about ourselves and enjoying our own company.

3. Think a relationship is the answer to your problems. Address your personal issues first.

4. Not talking about each other’s relationship expectations before you commit to each other. I am always amazed that couples will spend so much time complaining about what the other person isn’t doing right. Talk about your expectations. On a monthly or bi-monthly schedule, talk about how the relationship is going. This will keep it fresh and both of you will be mindful of it.

5. Taking conversations personal. It is ok to disagree with each other in conversation. Don’t take it personal. If he can’t be honest with you, then who can he be honest with?  Avoid him shutting down …listen. You may learn more about him and about yourself.

6. Not communicating your needs and not allowing your partner enough time to change once those needs are communicated.  I see couples communicating better their needs to family members and friends than their actual partner in life. Keep your relationship issues private. I am sure your partner knows that you talk about him sometimes in not a pretty picture. Do not make your relationship a reality show and chase him away.  Talk to him and give him time.

7. Not going to events that your partner asks you to go to…even though you lack interest… Go with the flow. You may enjoy yourself. It is not the event that is important, it’s him.

8. Not taking turns cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping. No one should have to do all the cooking and cleaning. It needs to be a shared responsibility. Don’t get stuck in roles. Change it up!

9.  Spending time building a dream house…  build your relationship and each other.  The house is great. It is possible a house can last for hundreds of years, a person will not. Treasure him and not the treasures.

10. Thinking that you can find better. I believe that is a male phenomenon gay and straight. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Water your grass that you’re on and it will grow…..cultivate it! Being 40 + in age, your expectations should be clearer. Not all the men you meet will have thick hair and 6 packs. It is time to get real.

If you want an interesting relationship, stay in one long enough and make it one.

11. Smothering your relationship. Smothering can definitely scare someone away.  This is one reason men can get scared away and run from a relationship. There are some men that just exist for the relationship. I considered them selfish. Your boyfriend needs his space and independence. Most men cannot be with someone 24/7.  At times. Let him work on his hobbies and visit friends & family on his own. The less of a leash you have on him, the stronger the relationship.  Remember, you are supposed to be his soul mate, not his cell mate.

12. Possessing jealously in the relationship.  What makes a person so jealous? It could be a childhood trauma that one experienced and that one never fully recovered or a symptom of deeper psychological issues. Lack of trust and needing control can damage your relationship permanently.  Jealously can lead to dangerous behaviors and cause possible physical and emotional harm to the man you love? Keep it in check and seek counseling if you cannot control it.

13. Having little sex or no sex at all.  Being gay, one would think that we are always having sex, right? Sometimes as long-term relationships develop after 3 or more years, it becomes increasingly difficult to talk so openly about sex as when the relationship first developed. Emotional and/or physiological reasons from stress from work, lack of time, medical issues, or aging can all play a part.  The first thing one must do to jumpstart a relationship again is to start touching your partner and kissing him again. Mindful touching has a real value. Touch can increase the intimacy and sense of connection. After that, give him 5 -10 reasons why you love him. Show him how you feel about him. Tell him he is sexy. While in the kitchen or while taking a long walk, talk to him about having little or no sex. This should not be done in the bedroom! The conversation should not happen just one time but multiple times. Do not blame him!  It is a personal thing and both of you are in it together. Tell him that he seems much less interested in sex than he used to be and ask if your partner has noticed this as well. Do not tell him that it has been 9 months, 2 days and 2 hours since the last time you had sex with him. Put him at ease. Do not play the blame game. It is very personal. Also, he may have been the more of the aggressor or dominant one in the beginning of the relationship, now you must play more of the dominant role. You must pursue him now sexually.  Remember, it does take time to reflect on what you said and let him think about it. Again, talk about it several times in the next weeks or so.  Be open to his ideas. Be patient and listen.

In short, relationships are great but it is something that you have to work on continually. It is a work in progress. Don’t take it for grant it.  If you truly want it, both parties need to work on it together. Seek relationship counseling, if both of you can’t resolve it together. Relationships can be a beautiful thing and once the relationship is over, it is very difficult to go back. It can become depressing; however, do not dwell on the failure of the relationship. Look at the relationship in its totality. Focus on the positive aspects of it and see your past relationship (s) as a learning experience and so when or if you get into a new relationship, you will not encounter some of the same problems.  Keep on moving and aging forward with resiliency and strength.

Feel free to add to this list of mistakes on the comment section below. We all can share what we have and have not done to make a relationship work or not work. It is a humbling experience for sure.

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Did You Know?

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